Avoiding Bitterness

The path to publication is often a hard and long one that can spark up bitterness if writers are not alert.

According to Google, bitterness is anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly. In this context, it can be a growing resentment of every part that make up the publishing machine (agents, editors, and publishers). It can also be a need to view everything as designed to work specifically against you, as you believe your book is special and shouldn’t be rejected.

I felt writing this post is important because I’ve noted a couple of bitter writers online, and I see how it’s been slowly poisoning everything about them. It’s poisoning their interactions with others, filling them with envy over anyone’s success, and almost all their statements come cloaked with negativity. And they have banded together so they have become each other’s mirrors. Hence I don’t think they are clearly seeing themselves, or how deeply they are spiraling into this pit of bitterness.

Because of query rejections, they accuse agents of everything, from racism, to having bad book tastes, to being empty-heads who only chase trends, to using writers for clout, and so on. (Not saying some agents aren’t guilty of these, but the writers always throw these accusations, even in unwarranted situations). They start to downplay fellow writers’ successes by trashing the genre they write in or claiming it’s only connections that helps anyone succeed in the industry—since it’s the only explanation to their stalled success. Every time someone has good news, they usually have a snide remark waiting. Sometimes, these remarks can even be the type that ‘everyone is thinking’. But they are always the ones to vocalize it.

But while they can’t see themselves, others can/are. Others have seen how some of them started as hopeful, excited writers, and gradually became resentful people over how tough the path has been.

But here is the funny thing, most of these writers haven’t had it half as tough as others. And those others are still not embittered. I’ve seen writers who have pursued publication for up to 8 years, and while they are obviously—and rightfully—sad, they aren’t overflowing with vinegar. At least, not publicly. Many of the bitter writers haven’t even faced half of what I have lol.

Over the past 3 years, I pursued a book deal without an agent and got an R&R, waited for 5 whole months after submitting the R&R, and got passed on after I’d been so hopeful it would work out. It was shattering. Afterwards, I got an agent, went on subs, the book died on subs and the agent severed our contract. Then I wrote/queried another book that died in the trenches, before I finally got another agent. I mean, if anyone should have a villain origin story in the writing community, I’m pretty sure that I do.

A few times the thought has crossed my mind that I should make sure I succeed to make my former agent regret her actions. It’s such an easy mindset to fall into. But thank goodness, I refused to hinge my life/career on someone else like that. That would’ve been me trudging through the path in bitterness. In spite. I can’t imagine how much tougher rejections would’ve felt if I’d been focused on whether my former agent was watching. I’m so glad I gave myself freedom from such a mindset by refusing to tie her in any way to my journey.

This is a personal example of where bitterness was so tempting but I dodged it.

It’s OKAY to feel anger over rejections. In the query trenches, there was this rather terrible agent who couldn’t make up her mind over my manuscript. She kept going back and forth about potentially offering rep, lifting my hopes, dashing them and it was the worst thing when she finally passed. When I recovered, I was angry at her unprofessionalism and indecisiveness. But I didn’t let it live in my heart and become a reason for me to constantly bash agents. Presently, this same indecisive agent wasted my friend’s time by signing my friend, making my friend revise her book for over a year and basically destroying that book before the agent admitted that she has no editorial skill and tossing my friend’s work over to her assistant. My friend left the agent, and my friend who’d had multiple offers and editor interest from pitch events is fixing her book so she can return to querying. All these are grounds to make me bitter about this agent—or even agents in general. But while I get angry to remember her behavior, I won’t let it sit in my mind or heart so long that it poisons me.

Bitterness is a choice. It might not be a fully conscious one, but we have a choice to decide how to proceed here.

It’s like being on a precipice of anger where you can decide to halt at being angry, or to go deeper into a place where anger morphs into poison that taints your every thought and action.

Honestly, closing my eyes two particular writers on TwitterX come to mind on this subject of bitterness. In fact, their frequent stirring up of agents-vs-writers quarrels in the community inspired this post. And while one is just beyond ‘saving’ as she is completely mired in her resentment, the other is someone I get tempted to talk to. To warn about how deeply she’s letting the rejections eat at her good side. She’s someone I believe might listen if a mirror is held up for her to realize just how negative she’s become. Still, she and I aren’t friends so I’m not going to go anywhere near her DM lol.

What I’m going to do is share a small list of ways I believe we can avoid bitterness on the path to publication. And hope this post reaches people who are struggling with the feeling so they can spare themselves the burden of it.

To avoid bitterness, note:

• Be conscious about it

I talked about envy in the community a while ago, and in the same vein, bitterness is a feeling you can stop from taking over you—if you pay attention to its presence. It’s alright to feel anger. But when that voice starts to tell you ‘never forget what this person has done to you’ or ‘target this person henceforth with vitriol’ etc. halt it and say you’d rather let go and have peace of mind. Nothing beats peace of mind!

• Publishing is hard

Publishing is hard for at least 70% of people. You don’t have it worse than everyone else as you might think. This really is an entitled mindset that will only harm you. These writers I mentioned above hadn’t even joined the writing community or started querying when I first started my path. Yet they act like they’ve been suffering rejection for decades. It’s the entitlement they feel toward success that’s feeding their bitterness. But if publishing was by merit alone, almost everyone would have book deals and be NYT bestsellers. The same way they are suffering rejections and despair, is the same way thousands of others are. Just not everyone is attacking agents and editors, and even fellow writers, over it. Knowing that other writers are struggling as you are, and maybe even more than you are, can temper the bitter feeling that you are personally being ill-treated.

• Being publicly bitter won’t make you get an agent/book deal faster

No, if anything it might make agents run from you. TwitterX is a small world. Almost everyone knows everyone, especially vocal accounts that like to draw attention. Chances are that agents already know these writers who constantly spit vitriol at them. Why would they sign such a person? I’ve seen agented writers in the bitter-club get dropped back to querying because they’d become too toxic publicly. So being bitter won’t do you any favors. Rather, it could cost you.

Even at times when I get annoyed about one thing or the other in the community (e.g. editors and agents becoming writers and snagging major book deals), I don’t tweet about it. Not just because it’s not worth me risking my chances. But because a negative nelly isn’t who I am and I don’t want that to be my public image.

• Learn to shrug things off

I know, I know. This isn’t easy to do at all. Shrugging off rejections is easier said than done. (If I don’t know it!) But another way to fuel bitterness, is by talking about these things too much with somebody who fuels it. So I’m not going to advice here to share your feelings with other writers. Why? Too often, new writer friends start to talk about the hardships of publishing, and before you know it, their conversations deteriorate into something dark, depressing, and full of cynicism. No one is trying to keep things light or positive. Instead, all sorts of things start to follow: envy, gossiping, etc. And from what I’ve seen, that explodes in their faces because those negative feelings soon gets turned on each other too.

So even when confiding in your friends about the difficulties, keep it as surface-level as possible or strive to keep positivity present. And if you two are too deep in the difficult parts to keep any light up, find someone else who is more ‘hopeful’ that you can talk to. For me, this person is my sister. She’s not in the writing community so she has no reason to wallow or let me wallow in negative chat about how this agent is this or that editor is that. I tell her what’s up, she listens, adds her thoughts, but always ends with her unfaltering and hopeful/positive belief that things would work out for me. And then I move on from the feeling/subject. You can’t get this constant light of positivity from writing friends who are also struggling in some way—so don’t rely on only writers for friendship on your publishing path.

Learn to shrug off disappointments instead of always dwelling on them or always looking for who to talk deeply with about them. The long and deep talks do not lead anywhere positive, I’ve realized.

I hope this opens eyes to see how easily it is to fall into bitterness in an industry known for rejections. And I hope it helps everyone reading, and me, to always rise above that negative emotion.🩷